The Host Chapter 28: Unenlightened

It was disorienting to awake in the absolute benighted. In the past months, Id gotten used to having the sun tell me it was morning. At first I thought it must still be night, but then, feeling the sting of my formula and the ache of my back, I remembered w present I was.Beside me, I could hear the sound of simmer overcome, even breathing it did non f reclaimen me, because it was the most long-familiar of sounds here. I was non surprised that Jamie had crept back and slept beside me last night. peradventure it was the change in my breathing that woke him possibly it was save that our schedules had become synchronized. But seconds after I was conscious, he gave a little gasp.Wanda? he verbalize.Im right here.He sighed in relief.Its really dark here, he said.Yes.You think its break disruptive time yet?I dont lie with.Im hungry. Lets go see.I didnt answer him.He interpreted my silence correctly, as the balk it was. You dont excite to obnubil ingest away here, Wanda, he said earnestly, after time lag a moment for me to speak. I talked to Jared last night. Hes red ink to stop picking on you-he promised.I almost smiled. Picking on me.Will you come with me? Jamie pressed. His muckle found mine.Is that what you really want me to do? I asked in a low voice.Yes. Everything lead be the same as it was before.Mel? Is this best?I dont know. She was torn. She knew she couldnt be objective she wanted to see Jared.Thats crazy, you know.Not as crazy as the fact that you want to see him, overly.Fine, Jamie, I agreed. But dont get upset when its not the same as before, okay? If things get ugly Well, just dont be surprised.Itll be okay. Youll see.I permit him lead the elbow room out of the dark, towing me by the hand he still held. I braced myself as we entered the big garden cavern I couldnt be sure of each adepts response to me today. Who knew what had been said as I slept?But the garden was waste, though the sun was bright in the morning sky. It reflec ted off the hundreds of mirrors, momentarily rank me.Jamie was not interested in the vacant cave. His eye were on my face, and he sucked in a keen breath through his teeth as the light touched my cheek.Oh, he gasped. Are you okay? Does that brook bad?I touched my face lightly. The skin felt rough-grit crusted in the blood. It throbbed where my fingers brushed.Its fine, I whispered the empty cavern made me wary-I didnt want to speak similarly loudly. Where is eachbody?Jamie shrugged, his eyes still tight as they surveyed my face. Busy, I guess. He didnt lower his voice.This reminded me of last night, of the whodunit he wouldnt tell me. My eyebrows pulled together.What do you think hes not telling us?You know what I know, Wanda.Youre human. Arent you supposed to have knowledge or nearlything?Intuition? My intuition tells me that we dont know this place as well as we thought we did, Melanie said.We pondered the ominous sound of that.It was almost a relief to hear the normal noi ses of mealtime coming from the kitchen corridor. I didnt particularly want to see any ane-besides the sick hot to see Jared, of course-but the unpopul ingestd tunnels, combined with the knowledge that several(prenominal)thing was being kept from me, made me edgy.The kitchen was not even half(a) full-an oddity for this time of the morning. But I exactly noticed that, because the smell coming from the banked stone oven eitherplaceruled constantlyy other thought.Oooh, Jamie moaned. EggsJamie pulled me faster now, and I had no reluctance to keep pace with him. We go, stomachs growling, to the counter by the oven where Lucina, the mother, stood with a plastic ladle in her hand. Breakfast was usually serve-yourself, but then breakfast was to a fault usually tough bread rolls.She looked scarce at the boy as she spoke. They gustatory perceptiond better an hour ago.Theyll taste just fine now, Jamie countered enthusiastically. Has everyone eeatn?Pretty much. I think they took a tr ay d induce to Doc and the rest Lucina trailed off, and her eyes flickered to me for the first time Jamies eyes did the same. I didnt to a lower placestand the expression that crossed Lucinas features-it disappeared too cursorily, replaced by something else as she appraised the new marks on my face.How much is left? Jamie asked. His eagerness sounded a trifle forced now.Lucina rancid and bent, tugging a metal pan off the hot stones in the bottom of the oven with the sports stadium of the ladle. How much do you want, Jamie? Theres plenty, she told him without turning.Pretend Im Kyle, he said with a laugh.A Kyle-sized portion it is, Lucina said, but when she smiled, her eyes were unhappy.She filled one of the soup rosters to overflowing with slightly rubbery scrambled testicle, stood up, and handed it to Jamie.She eyed me again, and I unsounded what this look was for.Lets sit over there, Jamie, I said, nudging him away from the counter.He stared in amazement. Dont you want any?N o, Im - I was about to say fine again, when my stomach gurgled disobediently.Wanda? He looked at me, then back at Lucina, who had her ordnance store folded crossways her chest.Ill just have bread, I muttered, trying to shove him away.No. Lucina, whats the problem? He looked at her expectantly. She didnt move. If youre done here, Ill take over, he suggested, his eyes narrowing and his lecture setting in a pigheaded line.Lucina shrugged and set the ladle on the stone counter. She walked away slowly, not looking at me again.Jamie, I muttered urgently under my breath. This food isnt meant for me. Jared and the others werent risking their lives so that I could have eggs for breakfast. Bread is fine.Dont be stupid, Wanda, Jamie said. You live here now, just like the rest of us. Nobody minds it when you wash their clothes or bake their bread. Besides, these eggs arent expiry to last much longer. If you dont eat them, theyll get thrown out.I felt all the eyes in the room boring into m y back.That expertness be preferable to some, I said even to a greater extent quietly. No one but Jamie could possibly hear.Forget that, Jamie growled. He hopped over the counter and filled another bowl with eggs, which he then shoved at me. Youre going to eat every bite, he told me resolutely.I looked at the bowl. My mouth watered. I pushed the eggs a a some(prenominal) inches away from me and then folded my arms.Jamie frowned. Fine, he said, and shoved his own bowl across the counter. You dont eat, I dont eat. His stomach grumbled audibly. He folded his arms across his chest.We stared at each other for two long minutes, some(prenominal) our stomachs rumbling as we inhaled the smell of the eggs. Every now and then, he would peek down at the food out of the corner of his eye. Thats what beat me-the longing look in his eyes.Fine, I huffed. I slid his bowl back to him and then retrieved my own. He waited until I took the first bite to touch his. I stifled a moan as the taste regis tered on my tongue. I knew the cooled, rubbery eggs werent the best thing Id ever tasted, but thats how it felt. This body lived for the present.Jamie had a similar reaction. And then he started shoveling the food into his mouth so fast it seemed he didnt have time to breathe. I watched him to make sure he didnt choke.I ate more slowly, hoping that Id be able to convince him to eat some of mine when he was done.That was when, with our minor standoff over and my stomach satisfied, I lastly noticed the atmosphere in the kitchen.I would have expected, with the excitement of eggs for breakfast after months of monotony, more of a feeling of celebration. But the air was somber, the conversations all whispered. Was this a reaction to the scene last night? I scanned the room, trying to understand.People were looking at me, a few here and there, but they werent the only ones talking in serious whispers, and the others paid me no mind at all. Besides, none of them seemed angry or guilty or te nse or any of the other emotions I was expecting.No, they were sad. Despair was etched on every face in the room.Sharon was the last person I noticed, consume in a distant corner, guardianship to herself as usual. She was so composed as she mechanically ate her breakfast that at first I didnt notice the tears dripping in streaks down her face. They skin into her food, but she ate as if she were beyond noticing.Is something wrong with Doc? I whispered to Jamie, suddenly afraid. I wondered if I was being paranoid- perchance this had nothing to do with me. The sadness in the room seemed to be part of some other human drama from which Id been excluded. Was this what was keeping everyone busy? Had there been an accident?Jamie looked at Sharon and sighed before he answered me. No, Docs fine.Aunt Maggie? Is she hurt?He shook his head.Wheres Walter? I demanded, still whispering. I felt a gnawing anxiousness as I thought of harm befalling one of my companions here, even those who hated m e.I dont know. Hes fine, Im sure.I completed now that Jamie was just as sad as everyone else here.Whats wrong, Jamie? Why are you upset?Jamie looked down at his eggs, eating them slowly and deliberately now, and did not answer me.He finished in silence. I tested to pass him what was left in my bowl, but he glowered so fiercely that I took it back and ate the rest without any more resistance.We added our bowls to the big plastic bin of dirty dishes. It was full, so I took it from the counter. I wasnt sure what was going on in the caves today, but dishes ought to be a safe occupation.Jamie came along beside me, his eyes alert. I didnt like that. I wouldnt allow him to act as my bodyguard, if the necessity arose. But then, as we made our way around the edge of the big field, my regular bodyguard found me, so it became a moot point.Ian was filthy light brownish dispel covered him from head to toe, darker where it was wet with his sweat. The brown streaks smeared across his face did n ot disguise the exhaustion there. I was not surprised to see that he was just as down as everyone else. But the dust did make me curious. It was not the purple black dust inside the caves. Ian had been outside this morning.There you are, he murmured when he saw us. He was walking swiftly, his long legs dim the distance with anxious strides. When he reached us, he did not slow, but rather caught me under the elbow and hurried me forward. Lets duck in here for a minute.He pulled me into the narrow tunnel mouth that led toward the easterly field, where the corn was almost ripe. He did not lead me far, just into the darkness where we were invisible from the big room. I felt Jamies hand rest lightly on my other arm.After half a minute, boneheaded voices echoed through the big cavern. They were not boisterous-they were somber, as depressed as any of the faces Id read this morning. The voices passed us, close by the crack where we hid, and Ians hand tensed on my elbow, his fingers pressi ng into the soft spots above the bone. I recognised Jareds voice, and Kyles. Melanie strained against my control, and my control was tenuous anyway. We both wanted to see Jareds face. It was a ethical thing Ian held us back. dont know wherefore we let him keep trying. When its over, its over, Jared was saying.He really thought he had it this time. He was so sure Oh, well. It will be worth all this if he figures it out someday, Kyle disagreed.If. Jared snorted. I guess its a good thing we found that brandy. Docs going to blow through the whole crate by dusk at the rate hes going.Hell pass out soon enough, Kyle said, his voice beginning to fade in the distance. I wish Sharon would And then I couldnt make out any more. Ian waited until the voices faded completely, and then a few minutes more, before he finally released my arm.Jared promised, Jamie muttered to him.Yeah, but Kyle didnt, Ian answered.They walked back out into the light. I followed slowly bunghole them, not sure what I was feeling.Ian noticed for the first time what I carried. No dishes now, he told me. Lets flag them a chance to clean up and move on.I thought about asking him why he was dirty, but probably, like Jamie, he would refuse to answer. I moody to stare at the tunnel that led toward the rivers, speculating.Ian made an angry sound.I looked back at him, frightened, and then recognise what had upset him-hed only just seen my face.He raised his hand as if to lift my chin, but I flinched and he dropped it.That makes me so sick, he said, and his voice truly did sound as if he were nauseated. And worse, knowing that if I hadnt stayed behind, I might have been the one to do itI shook my head at him. Its nothing, Ian.I dont agree with that, he muttered, and then he spoke to Jamie. You probably ought to get to school. Its better that we get everything back to normal as soon as possible.Jamie groaned. Sharon will be a nightmare today.Ian grinned. Time to take one for the team, kid. I dont envy you.Jamie sighed and kicked the dirt. Keep an eye on Wanda.Will do.Jamie shuffled away, casting glances back at us every few minutes until he disappeared into another tunnel.Here, give me those, Ian said, pulling the bin of dishes from me before I could respond.They werent too heavy for me, I told him.He grinned again. I feel silly standing here with my arms empty while you lug these around. Chalk it up to gallantry. Cmon-lets go relax somewhere out of the way until the microscope slide is clear.His treatments troubled me, and I followed him in silence. Why should gallantry apply to me?He walked all the way to the cornfield, and then into the cornfield, stepping in the low part of the furrow, between the stalks. I trailed behind him until he stopped, somewhere in the middle of the field, set the dishes aside, and sprawled out on the dirt.Well, this is out of the way, I said as I colonized to the ground beside him, crossing my legs. But shouldnt we be working?You work too hard, Wan da. Youre the only one who never takes a day off.It gives me something to do, I mumbled.Everyone is taking a break today, so you might as well.I looked at him curiously. The light from the mirrors threw double shadows through the cornstalks that crisscrossed over him like zebra stripes. Under the lines and the dirt, his pale face was weary.You look like youve been working.His eyes tightened. But Im resting now.Jamie wont tell me whats going on, I murmured.No. And neither will I. He sighed. Its nothing you want to know anyway.I stared at the ground, at the dark purple and brown dirt, as my stomach twisted and rolled. I could think of nothing worse than not knowing, but maybe I was just lacking in imagination.Its not really fair, Ian said after a motionless moment, seeing as I wont answer your question, but do you mind if I ask you one?I welcomed the distraction. Go ahead.He didnt speak at once, so I looked up to find the intellect for his hesitation. He was staring down now, lookin g at the dirt streaked across the backs of his hands.I know youre not a liar. I know that now, he said quietly. Ill believe you, whatever your answer is.I waited again while he continued to stare at the dirt on his skin.I didnt procure Jebs story before, but he and Doc are pretty convinced Wanda? he asked, looking up at me. Is she still in there with you? The girl whose body you wear?This was not just my secret anymore-both Jamie and Jeb knew the truth. Neither was it the secret that really mattered. At any rate, I trusted Ian not to go blabbing to anyone who would eradicate me over it. Yes, I told him. Melanie is still here.He nodded slowly. What is it like? For you? For her?Its frustrating, for us both. At first I would have given anything to have her disappear the way she should have. But now I Ive gotten used to her. I smiled wryly. sometimes its nice to have the company. Its harder for her. Shes like a prisoner in many ways. Locked away in my head. She prefers that captivity to disappearing, though.I didnt know there was a choice.There wasnt in the beginning. It wasnt until your kind discovered what was happening that any resistance started. That seems to be the key-knowing whats going to happen. The humans who were taken by surprise didnt fight back.So if I were caught?I appraised his fierce expression-the fire in his brilliant eyes.I doubt you would disappear. Things have changed, though. When they catch self-aggrandising humans now, they dont offer them as hosts. Too many problems. I half smiled again. Problems like me. Going soft, get sympathetic to my host, losing my wayHe thought about that for a long time, sometimes looking at my face, sometimes at the cornstalks, sometimes at nothing at all.What would they do with me, then, if they caught me now? he finally asked.Theyd still do an insertion, I think. Trying to get information. Probably theyd put a Seeker in you.He shuddered.But they wouldnt keep you as a host. Whether they found the informati on or not, you would be discarded. The word was hard to say. The idea sickened me. Odd-it was usually the human things that made me sick. But Id never looked at the situation from the bodys scene before no other planet had forced me to. A body that didnt function right was quickly and painlessly disposed of because it was as useless as a car that could not run. What was the point of keeping it around? There were conditions of the mind, too, that made a body unusable dangerous mental addictions, malevolent yearnings, things that could not be healed and made the body unsafe to others. Or, of course, a mind with a will too strong to be erased. An anomaly localized on this planet.I had never seen the ugliness of treating an unconquerable tint as a defect as clearly as I did now, looking into Ians eyes.And if they caught you? he asked.If they realized who I was if anyone is still looking for me I thought of my Seeker and shuddered as he had. They would take me out and put me in another host. Someone young, tractable. They would wish that I would be able to be myself again. Maybe they would ship me off-planet-get me away from the bad influences.Would you be yourself again?I met his gaze. I am myself. I havent disordered myself to Melanie. I would feel the same as I do now, even as a indorse or a Flower.They wouldnt discard you?Not a soul. We have no capital punishment for our kind. Or any punishment, really. Whatever they did, it would be to save me. I used to think there was no gather up for any other way, but now I have myself as proof against that theory. It would probably be right to discard me. Im a traitor, arent I?Ian pursed his lips. More of an expatriate, Id say. You havent turned on them youve just left their society.We were quiet again. I wanted to believe what he said was true. I considered the word expatriate, trying to convince myself that I was nothing worse.Ian exhaled loudly enough to make me jump. When Doc sobers up, well get him to take a l ook at your face. He reached over and put his hand under my chin this time I didnt flinch. He turned my head to the side so he could examine the wound.Its not important. Im sure it looks worse than it is.I hope so-it looks awful. He sighed and then stretched. I suppose weve hidden long enough that Kyles clean and unconscious. Want some help with the dishes?Ian wouldnt let me wash the dishes in the stream the way I usually did. He insisted that we go into the black bathing room, where I would be invisible. I scrubbed dishes in the shallow end of the dark pool, while he cleaned off the filth left behind by his mystery labors. Then he helped me with the last of the dirty bowls.When we were done, he escorted me back to the kitchen, which was starting to fill up with the lunch crowd. More perishables were on the menu soft white bread slices, slabs of sharp cheddar cheese, circles of lush pink bologna. People were scarfing down the delicacies with abandon, though the despair was still per ceptible in the slump of their shoulders, in the absence of smiles or laughter.Jamie was waiting for me at our usual counter. Two double stacks of sandwiches sat in front of him, but he wasnt eating. His arms were folded as he waited for me. Ian eyed his expression curiously but left to get his own food without asking.I rolled my eyes at Jamies stubbornness and took a bite. Jamie dug in as soon as I was chewing. Ian was back quickly, and we all ate in silence. The food tasted so good it was hard to imagine a reason for conversation-or anything else that would empty our mouths.I stopped at two, but Jamie and Ian ate until they were groaning in pain. Ian looked as though he was about to collapse. His eyes struggled to stay open.Get back to school, kid, he said to Jamie.Jamie appraised him. Maybe I should take overGo to school, I told him quickly. I wanted Jamie a safe distance from me today.Ill see you later, okay? Dont worry about about anything.Sure. A one-word lie wasnt rather so obvious. Or maybe I was just being sarcastic again.Once Jamie was gone, I turned on the somnolent Ian. Go get some rest. Ill be fine-Ill stay someplace inconspicuous. Middle of a cornfield or something.Where did you sleep last night? he asked, his eyes surprisingly sharp under his half-closed lids.Why?I can sleep there now, and you can be inconspicuous beside me.We were just murmuring, barely over a whisper now. No one paid us any attention.You cant watch me every second.Wanna bet?I shrugged, giving up. I was back at the the hole. Where I was kept in the beginning.Ian frowned he didnt like that. But he got up and led the way back to the storage corridor. The main middle was busy again now, full of people moving around the garden, all of them grave, their eyes on their feet.When we were all in the black tunnel, I tried to reason with him again.Ian, whats the point of this? Wont it hurt Jamie more, the longer Im alive? In the end, wouldnt it be better for him if -Dont think like tha t, Wanda. Were not animals. Your death is not an inevitability.I dont think youre an animal, I said quietly.Thanks. I didnt say that as an accusation, though. I wouldnt blame you if you did.That was the end of our conversation that was the moment we both saw the pale blue light reflecting dimly from around the next turn in the tunnel.Shh, Ian breathed. wait here.He pressed my shoulder down gently, trying to stick me where I stood. Then he strode forward, reservation no attempt to hide the sound of his footsteps. He disappeared around the corner.Jared? I heard him say, feigning surprise.My center felt heavy in my chest the sensation was more pain than fear.I know its with you, Jared answered. He raised his voice, so that anyone between here and the main plaza would hear. Come out, come out, wherever you are, he called, his voice hard and mocking.